THURSDAY, 4 PM:

i picked up my phone for the last time. if grohl ignored this call too... well, that would be it for us. forever.

THREE HOURS EARLIER:

i never let the freezing winter air cool my fiery rock'n'roll spirit! my rock-pad has been killing my buzz lately, though- so i decided to hit the road and buy some flowers! flowers lend a fresh, lively ambiance to even the dreariest of winters. wearing my finest driving scarf and listening to some zep with my car speakers turned up to 11, now THIS is the life! the only thing im concerned with is giving my room some color, this definitely isn't about sending a message to this flower-dad who claims to be friends with MY grohl.

THREE MINUTES LATER:

here it is, and damned if it isn't the lamest flower shop i've ever seen. this guy wants to pretend to be a grohlpal? yeah right bro.

THIRTY SECONDS LATER:

it hit me deep down, a stab of betrayal like i've never felt before. there, behind the counter, chatting it up with this flower-selling square, is dave. dave grohl. here. if he was in bethesda why wouldn't he call me? he knows how much i love flower shopping! and yet there he is, gabbing away like he doesn't already have a best bro.

i walk up to the counter, trying to play it cool. "excuse me fine sir, do you have any perennial geraniums, pre-potted, in stock toda.... oh... hi dave."

dave spun around, caught by complete and total surprise. "oh hey bro... buying some flowers?"

"yeah. but you know what i may be in the market for soon? A NEW BEST FRIEND." i didn't even give him a moment to reply: it was time to show this flower salesman that i mean business. the promotional table behind me showcased a rare variety of hibiscus, every one of which was ruined after i flipped the entire thing over. on my way to the next table i almost tripped on pottery shards, whose shape and arrangement momentarily reminded me of that eerie night when dave ransacked my house. no time to reminisce, though- the rhododendron display was up next on the list of objects to receive my wrath.

i picked up the entire rack and threw it to my left, where it knocked over a shelf of imported hydrangea planters. by way of exiting the store i grabbed a fancy glass chrysanthemum bed and threw it right through the window. it was time to go.

TWO HOURS LATER:

"CANCEL IT! TELL EVERYONE IT ISN'T HAPPENING, IT'S OVER FOREVER!"

"excuse me sir, i'm not really sure who you are but i can assure you that we aren't going to cancel our popular tuesday night karaoke events. if you would like i can try to-"

"IF YOU WON'T CANCEL IT, I'LL CANCEL YOU! FOREVER!"

i ended the call. that was the last of them- every bar in bethesda had now been told to cancel their karaoke nights. this isn't about me, this is about saving them the embarrassment of trying to throw a karaoke night and not having grohl and i take center stage.  any bar that tried that would be scandalized, mocked for years to come by the rock-savvy bethesda regulars.

now, it's time to call grohl and make the ultimatum.

BACK TO THE PRESENT (THE BEGINNING OF OUR LITTLE STORY, FROM UP AT THE TOP OF THE PAGE):

i'd been trying to get through for what felt like 56 minutes and 30 seconds.  during the last ring, just before it cut to voicemail, i jumped up. was that a knock on the door?! i opened it to find grohl in front of a towering pyramid of flowers.

"hey bro. i'm sorry about that, it was just... his command of the floral arts was so alluring, i couldn't help but to talk to him. then he asked if i wanted to see a fresh batch of bulbs, and... one thing led to another. i even... i asked him about whether my semi-tropical ferns would have a chance, in this soil! oh rock god, i'm so sorry!"

"its alright bro, i understand. but what's with the flowers?"

"after you left i went around and bought thousands of dollars of flowers from every competing flower shop in the greater bethesda area. i set 'em up here around a stage, and hired out a private karaoke service. are you ready to ROCK YOUR ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD?"

GROHL AND I ROCKED THAT SHIT! with our bro powers recombined, we rocked a thousand times harder than anyone had ever rocked before. the very earth itself shook, blasted to its very core by the magical power of rock. even the rocks in my garden were themselves rocked! we finally stopped well past midnight, when the police showed up and weren't impressed by the awesome force of rock. they may have the ability to shut down an impromptu rock fest, but they'll never have the ability to command the friendship of dave grohl- go back to the police station and think about that, YWAUTG! yeah!