happy days are here again!  with that whole flowerfather incident behind us grohl and i got back to the business of rocking out, hard-core.  we're unstoppable! drinking and singing at night, hangovers and turkey bacon in the morning. righteous!

after a while grohl had to do some touring with his other band, the foo fighters. now i know what you're thinking- "doesn't dave have a way better time rocking out with you than he does with those other guys?" yeah, he does. but he feels sorry for the rest of the fighters, left unable to properly combat foo in his absence. so they signed up to play a few shows in a few select cities- including washington dc! i don't know why they didnt just set up the show in bethesda, must be those marketing suits getting in the way of good, honest, free-spirited rockers once more.

dave tried to give me special upfront tickets, but i told him i had to hit the karaoke circuit that night. I PUNK'D HIM! that's right, i attended the show as a special surprise for grohl. three or four songs in he finally spotted me, resplendent in my womens finger gloves and retro sunglasses. his mind was blown, bro! he dropped his guitar and stopped singing, pulling his righteous rock and roll mane back behind his head. the rest of the foos came to an abrupt stop.

"HEY BRO! KEEP ROCKING!"

he did! he rocked and i rocked and the band rocked and we all rocked on, rocking until everyone else was rocked out. i rocked so hard i could feel my internal organs and bodily humours begin to experience extreme rock fatigue. dave rocked so hard his fingers started bleeding- just another casualty of the IROCK war! none of the other fans there could handle it, the pathetic rock novices. while they filed out of the stadium grohl and i kept rocking! eventually the concept and meaning of rock itself came undone from the three dimensional world we inhabit and was forced to exist solely in the fourth dimension, which ordinarily would have been time but in this case was the ROCK DIMENSION! rock on!

THURSDAY, 4 PM:

i picked up my phone for the last time. if grohl ignored this call too... well, that would be it for us. forever.

THREE HOURS EARLIER:

i never let the freezing winter air cool my fiery rock'n'roll spirit! my rock-pad has been killing my buzz lately, though- so i decided to hit the road and buy some flowers! flowers lend a fresh, lively ambiance to even the dreariest of winters. wearing my finest driving scarf and listening to some zep with my car speakers turned up to 11, now THIS is the life! the only thing im concerned with is giving my room some color, this definitely isn't about sending a message to this flower-dad who claims to be friends with MY grohl.

THREE MINUTES LATER:

here it is, and damned if it isn't the lamest flower shop i've ever seen. this guy wants to pretend to be a grohlpal? yeah right bro.

THIRTY SECONDS LATER:

it hit me deep down, a stab of betrayal like i've never felt before. there, behind the counter, chatting it up with this flower-selling square, is dave. dave grohl. here. if he was in bethesda why wouldn't he call me? he knows how much i love flower shopping! and yet there he is, gabbing away like he doesn't already have a best bro.

i walk up to the counter, trying to play it cool. "excuse me fine sir, do you have any perennial geraniums, pre-potted, in stock toda.... oh... hi dave."

dave spun around, caught by complete and total surprise. "oh hey bro... buying some flowers?"

"yeah. but you know what i may be in the market for soon? A NEW BEST FRIEND." i didn't even give him a moment to reply: it was time to show this flower salesman that i mean business. the promotional table behind me showcased a rare variety of hibiscus, every one of which was ruined after i flipped the entire thing over. on my way to the next table i almost tripped on pottery shards, whose shape and arrangement momentarily reminded me of that eerie night when dave ransacked my house. no time to reminisce, though- the rhododendron display was up next on the list of objects to receive my wrath.

i picked up the entire rack and threw it to my left, where it knocked over a shelf of imported hydrangea planters. by way of exiting the store i grabbed a fancy glass chrysanthemum bed and threw it right through the window. it was time to go.

TWO HOURS LATER:

"CANCEL IT! TELL EVERYONE IT ISN'T HAPPENING, IT'S OVER FOREVER!"

"excuse me sir, i'm not really sure who you are but i can assure you that we aren't going to cancel our popular tuesday night karaoke events. if you would like i can try to-"

"IF YOU WON'T CANCEL IT, I'LL CANCEL YOU! FOREVER!"

i ended the call. that was the last of them- every bar in bethesda had now been told to cancel their karaoke nights. this isn't about me, this is about saving them the embarrassment of trying to throw a karaoke night and not having grohl and i take center stage.  any bar that tried that would be scandalized, mocked for years to come by the rock-savvy bethesda regulars.

now, it's time to call grohl and make the ultimatum.

BACK TO THE PRESENT (THE BEGINNING OF OUR LITTLE STORY, FROM UP AT THE TOP OF THE PAGE):

i'd been trying to get through for what felt like 56 minutes and 30 seconds.  during the last ring, just before it cut to voicemail, i jumped up. was that a knock on the door?! i opened it to find grohl in front of a towering pyramid of flowers.

"hey bro. i'm sorry about that, it was just... his command of the floral arts was so alluring, i couldn't help but to talk to him. then he asked if i wanted to see a fresh batch of bulbs, and... one thing led to another. i even... i asked him about whether my semi-tropical ferns would have a chance, in this soil! oh rock god, i'm so sorry!"

"its alright bro, i understand. but what's with the flowers?"

"after you left i went around and bought thousands of dollars of flowers from every competing flower shop in the greater bethesda area. i set 'em up here around a stage, and hired out a private karaoke service. are you ready to ROCK YOUR ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD?"

GROHL AND I ROCKED THAT SHIT! with our bro powers recombined, we rocked a thousand times harder than anyone had ever rocked before. the very earth itself shook, blasted to its very core by the magical power of rock. even the rocks in my garden were themselves rocked! we finally stopped well past midnight, when the police showed up and weren't impressed by the awesome force of rock. they may have the ability to shut down an impromptu rock fest, but they'll never have the ability to command the friendship of dave grohl- go back to the police station and think about that, YWAUTG! yeah!

So I know this stupid girl.  I hate her. She goes to all my rockin' shows with all her friends and makes fun of me a lot. But anyways she told me some stupid lie about how her dad (also a Dave) is friends with Dave too. As if. He runs this flower shop and apparently Grohl just pops in whenever he's in the area and buys flowers??? Whatever...

"dude, have you ever seen a coin like this before?"

grohl stopped in his tracks, perplexed by a shiny quarter held between his thumb and index finger.

"i flipped it, and it landed on heads. then i flipped it again, and... heads, again. i've flipped it dozens of times, and it keeps coming up heads. i bet if i flip it a hundred more times it'll just keep landing on heads."

i was dumbfounded. grohl was on to something.

"lets just take a few minutes and keep flipping it, i need to see what happens. you don't mind, do you?"

of course i didn't. we stayed there for what turned out to be hours- the sun set, the streets emptied. it was just grohl and i, flippin' that thing into the lonely hours of the night. heads, every single time. eventually grohl decided that enough was enough.

"i'm gonna get going, bro. this quarter is freakin' me out, you better take it."

he flipped it to me as he walked away, a high arc that landed in the palm of my right hand. i glanced at it.

tails.

the other night i allowed a sweet bethesda something to lure me back to her humble abode- reverse seduction, i always call it.  once the ladies see my moves, they feel like they're under pressure to put it all on the line and try to tame my rebellious rock n' roll spirit. back at her place we put on a hit movie and settled down on the bed. she clearly wanted a piece of the action, as i call it, but i was busy getting texts from my bro, dave grohl!

after my hostess experienced a bout of extreme frustration and fell asleep, i was free to text away with that crazy dude. "Iv got nothA confesion 2 mke," he said. LOL! foo fighters texts! "S sum1 getN da best of u?" i asked in reply. his response was there almost instantly: "i dnt wan2B yr monkE wrench." LMAO, things were getting zany! i gathered my text-fu skills and crafted my reply:

"I 1dr wen I sing along w/u
f evryting cUd evr feel dis real 4ever
f NEfin cUd evr B dis gud agn"

i stayed up all night texting grohl. the next morning the girl woke up and wanted to know why i was still in her house. whatever, lame-oid! i've got texts to send. catch you on the flip side, YWIUTG (You Who Is Unknown To Grohl)! owned!

i was in trouble, and i surely knew it. in the midst of my drunken wanderings i had somehow strayed far from the borders of bethesda, into lands i didn't recognize. at first i thought i had walked all the way into adams morgan- an acceptable, if disappointing, substitute for b-thizzle. but as the sun rose i saw that i had arrived somewhere far more sinister: rockville.

rockville. a tiny hamlet mainly populated by wind and ghosts, amongst other more disturbing creatures. as i tried to recover from the shock of finding myself in such a place i realized i was being watched. hideous wretches, the gaunt and wasted figures of people exiled from bethesda and sent north to the frozen wasteland of rockville. if your attitude lacked sufficient zazz, if your character was judged to be irredeemably lame, if your charmingly anachronistic hats ever passed from 'edgy' to 'boring'... then you could be forsaken by the bethesdans and sent away, never to return. rockville.

clearly my arrival here was a mistake. but before i could find a way out they rushed at me, howling "YOUR SCARF! WE NEED YOUR SCARF!" with their disgusting, deformed tongues. their plan was clear: take my scarf, impersonate me at the bethesda border, and thus regain access to the hottest scene this side of rock n' roll valhalla. as i ran my scarf trailed far behind me- their grubby fingers snatched at it in the wind, mere inches from claiming it as their own.

and then i gave up on all hope. one of them stood straight in front of me, blocking my path to freedom. but wait... this was no twisted rockville denizen! he stood well taller than any of them, with pounds of facial hair and a bulky wristwatch that accentuated his drummer physique. i was saved! grammy award-winning all-star rock god dave grohl himself clenched his fingers oddly towards them, a vision of 100% radical defiance!

i won't get into too much detail about what happened next, but lets just say it was a grohling trial for them! heh, just a little pun there, based on conflating the sounds of the word 'grueling' with the name of my best bro- dave goddamn grohl! after we finished our sexy battle royale it was time to head back to bethesda and do a bit of mid-day drinking. it's never too early to start when you rock as hard as we do!

So I’ll bet you’re wondering what is going on in B-Thez with the Grohlmeister. Maybe you thought all the fun was over? Maybe you thought that me ‘n Grohl were no longer best bros? Or maybe you thought we went to a dance party and were mistaken for a couple and could no longer be friends due to the overwhelming awkwardness? WELL GUESS WHAT? YOU WERE WRONG! YEAH!

X-Mas was pretty much the greatest day of my life. I was hangin’ out as usual in my room (the same one I’ve inhabited since I was an infant), and you know, just doin’ the usual, rockin’ out, jammin’…etc, when Grohl’s face appeared in my window. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a Grohl in your window, but it’s seriously way better than Santa (who sucks most years and never eats the cookies I leave out for him after baking for 2 days straight). So yeah, Grohl says we should go down to the downtown Woodmont Triangle area of Bethesda (W-cubed as we B-Thezdans call it). I jumped into action – quickly adorned myself with some glittery scarves, a fedora, and my fave women’s skinny jeans – and off we went to wreak some SERIOUS X-MAS HAVOC!!!!

When we arrived at W-cubed, we were disappointed to find nothing but a small squirrel sitting on a bench, along with a pickle salesman and his barrel of pickles. Grohl seemed pissed. So pissed that I thought he might lose his X-Mas cheer. But he quickly pulled himself together and said these exact words to me: “Bro, I don’t see a party here, so you know what that means.” Before he even finished the sentence, I had assembled my small battery-powered Fender amp on the sidewalk and within seconds, we were pumpin’ out the jams!!!! We hit it off with a little Paul McCartney (MA-CA….as we call him), then moved on to some GUNS!!!!

We didn’t really draw a crowd – the squirrel quickly ran away, along with the pickle man and some elderly couples out for a holiday walk. But hell, sometimes me n’ Grohl just gotta jam for jammin’s sake….