Phew. Work can get really tiring fast. BUT NOT WITH A FRIEND LIKE DAVE!!! Today, I came into my office feeling pretty down and out, and generally "in the dumps." But then, Dave and his homies dropped by with some tasty mmm mmm good delicious Popeyes chicken.

It was just what I needed. But then, just when I was enjoying my poultry, Dave and his friends got a little out of hand. They started jumping on my desk and flailing their hands in the air. Before I knew it, my computer was thrown out the window, along with my job and my sanity.

Dave has forsaken me, but hey, he's still my bro.

the strange dreams came back...  grohl took on a multitude of shapes and forms, each one more bewildering than the last.  is this what had come of our friendship, after all these long years?  i could hardly remember the dreams after waking, except for brief flashes and disconnected images.  dave screaming in the dark with no eyes, dave staring in disbelief at his own third arm, dave in drag with fake braces...  and yet even after seeing all of this i'm still proud to eat turkey bacon and sing karaoke with him.  true bro love is exempt from the rules, a bond that cannot be broken by a mere series of phantasms and night terrors.  if this is the price of being best friends with dave grohl then it is a price i pay gladly.

we were having a grand night out on the town, grohl n' me. hittin' all the right spots, drinkin' all the right drinks, just two guys having the time of their lives. grohl wouldn't admit it, but i know he was having more fun with me than he ever had touring with kurt blowbain, or recording with the spew fighters, or partying with josh barfomme!  if any of you ever get the chance to be best buds with dave grohl i highly recommend that you do it- you won't be disappointed.

dave had saved my relationships time and again, he was really on a grohll.  but being my relationship guru is a pretty intense job, and eventually he needed to take a moment to mellow out. the instant he stepped outside i pulled my canvas out from under the table and got to work. a vision had been haunting my dreams, an idea for a portrait that i had been contemplating for years. some artists go their entire lives without inspiration like this; without a friend like this.  i knew i had only moments until his guru energies were replenished, but the image practically composed itself. the coloring, the symbolism, the frame i assembled on the spot from glazed balsa wood and gold shavings- these things came to be in the blink of an eye.

dave didn't come back that night. everyone who stopped by the table to say hi and try to capture some of my celebrity essence asked what i was doing, all by myself on a beautiful evening. my response to each was the same:

"waiting for grohl. grohl was here, grohl left, grohl will come again. praise be unto grohl, who sits at my right hand. he will return to rock the living and the dead. amen."

i don't know if i've mentioned it yet on this blog, but i'm good friends with dave grohl. we basically hang out IRL all the time. a while back he came out to shop for a scarf with me! we spent hours going through the scarf sections at different stores, trying to find one that rocked hard enough for the guys, but was still passionate and soft enough for the ladies. people of all different genders admire my scarves, so the only way for me to please everyone is to take a long time looking for a scarf with dave grohl. have you ever tried scarf shopping without dave grohl? i pity the miserable wretch who tries.

we had a really great time! dave told me all about the west coast rock scene (i'm pretty much the king of the east coast) and we called some nerd on the street a 'dweeb.' owned! the whole thing just couldn't get any better. eventually i found a great scarf and got in line to buy it. dave went outside to wait for me and call more people dweebs probably. after i finished with the cashier i walked out to find that dave had covered himself in tin foil! right on! dave always does the kookiest stuff with tin foil. i really admire that.

So the other day, I figured I'd take Dave out to my favorite hot spot: Bethesda, MD. It's pretty much my idea of what heaven would look like, if heaven were modeled after an urban piazza of sophistication and charm. Man, was I excited. I even planned out which karaoke joints we'd hit up first. I knew that all those people who pretend to be my friends in Bethesda would be really excited and jealous to see that I know Dave Grohl.

But then, just as I was suiting up in my awesome Roger Daltry-styled jumpsuit, Dave showed up at my parents' house (where I currently live, at the age of about 32). The smile was instantly wiped off my face when I realized that he had brought a friend. And not just any friend, but a stupid DRUMMER friend. God, now my dreams of awesome karaoke were over. This douchebag would certainly Grohlopolize my friend in some lame conversation about drums, or being in the Foo Fighters or some bullshit.

Basically, I got really drunk and sang "Bohemian Rhapsody" over and over, and just pretended that stupid other drummer wasn't there. It worked pretty well.

i got back home late that night, filled with dread by the sight of my front door left ajar. had i forgotten to close it on the way out earlier? i've never done that before, but there's a first time for everything, right? like the first time i met dave, a lifetime ago... my panic grew as i walked in to find my possessions and furniture strewn about. burglars, vagrants, escaped convicts- any terrible thing seemed possible. as i walked past the shattered remains of my overturned bookshelves, i noticed something out of place. an arrow? stooping over to pick it up i was struck by my own poor taste in literature, the dust jacket of twilight obscured by a fallen copy of carlos mencia's autobiography. do books devoid of literary merit qualify as literature? a question for another time.

it wasn't an arrow. the side read 'zildjian,' the tip was splintered from seeing too many days on stage. i stood up and tried to turn the lights on- nothing happened. it was then that i heard it, a low hum coming from back in the darkened house. walking towards it i stumbled into my living room couch, flipped upside down and left in the middle of the hall. what had happened? some foul smell wafting out of the bathroom hastened my steps as i approached the dining room, where flickering candlelight spilled out through the door. in the room sat dave himself, perched on top of a five-foot ladder with an eerie smile. his fingers held his lips up, while his eyes glared at me with such force that i was left unable to summon words. on the floor beneath me sat a pile of crushed light bulbs.

"we're still friends, right?"
"of course we are, dave. but..."

i tried to gesture towards all of my broken furniture and upended belongings. it was a futile attempt: the ruins of my house encircled me on all sides. before i could say one more word dave disappeared, pale smoke dissipating into the air after a blinding flash. on top of the ladder i found a matching drum stick, identical to the first save for curious scorch marks on the grip.

the next time i saw dave neither of us mentioned what had happened. we met at a nice restaurant and spent the evening discussing my relationship woes and the great joys of turkey-based indulgences. i still give thanks for my friendship with dave every day, but i can't deny that sometimes on dark, lonely evenings my mind wanders back to that night and the peculiar horrors i experienced. ask not for whom dave grohl hums, dear reader- he hums for thee.

You know, it's hard being raised by wolves in the jungle (especially because only the rarest of wolves live in the jungle), but yeah, you know, i never really had a human family. It’s just nice to know that grohl’s there for me. He always lets me hang out with the fam, and his kid (whose gender and name I don’t know…or care about). But yeah it’s great. It gets a little annoying sometimes when he always wants to be around his “real family” but he doesn’t seem to mind when I tag along. And that’s why Dave’s the best friend a wolf-raised jungle-dweller could ask for.

you never know where dave will pop up next! i was taking the metro across town to a totally kickin' karaoke night when grohl himself leaned out from under a seat across the train and winked at me! i did a little fist pump in the air and dave was like 'right on dude' and we had a really righteous rock n' roll bonding moment. turns out grohl waits on random metro cars all the time hoping to run into me! he was really anxious to hear about how things were going with my girlfriend. we talked about that for like an hour and then ate some turkey bacon at a turkey bacon restaurant in dc and then we sang karaoke until the audience was completely rocked out. this is basically the kind of day i have all the time, its what happens when your best friend is dave grohl.

so the other day grohl and i were chatting on the phone (that's basically what i do all the time when i'm not blogging or ROCKING THE FUCK OUT at the finest bethesda karaoke spots) and he mentioned that slash was coming over! at first i was pretty unhappy because i don't like it when other people intrude on my grohl hours, but slash was totally cool and pretty soon we were also BFF! not like i am with grohl though, that's a special magic that could never be duplicated. anyway, we all started rocking out over the phone, i went into an impromptu performance of 'under pressure' with slash air-guitaring on the other end and grohl pounding out the beats onto the phone receiver. radical! after slash left grohl said that although slash is cool, i'm his real special buddy and that no member of guns n' roses will ever get between us.

i'm worried. dave's my best friend, but i had this strange dream about him last night...i hope things don't get weird...

grohl n' me

there we are, dave and i. got tired of chewin' the fat and talkin about our favorite zep cds (ALL OF THEM, AM I RIGHT?), so we decided to grow some beards and hang out in the wind. ALL NIGHT. a few times i was like hey dave its really cold and windy out here, and having a beard kinda sucks, lets go inside. dude didn't let me! he was just having too great of a time in the wind with beards. i guess most people dont get to hang out in the wind with a bearded dave grohl, but hanging out in the wind with a bearded dave grohl just comes kinda naturally to me, you know?

so, me and dave....god we had just about the best time the other day. he's so funny, like he'll do this funny thing where he pulls led zeppelin cds out of large groups of led zeppelin cds...and then man we just talk about led zeppelin for like hours. ALL THE TIME. it's so funny. it's just so much fun to be around him. ...we laugh so much....it's really great....having friends is really awesome...conference calls with dave and my girlfriend are also really awesome...

LOOK GUYS, THIS GUY CALLS ME EVERY NIGHT TO BE MY SHRINK/BEST FRIEND/RELATIONSHIP GURU. HERE IS HIS PICTURE. IT IS HERE, ON MY LOCKER, TO PROVE THAT WE ARE ACTUALLY BEST FRIENDS.